“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me hooking up with my ex
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis