I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.