When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.