Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u