My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Name this drama.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.