The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*