*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold