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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!