I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
who wants to go expliring
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas