A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room