I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
calling in to work dehydrated
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
What personal space?
My dog
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
how to have an accident 101
black phone good
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…