Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
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[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Well, that should do it
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
would Medusa wear a hat
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