Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
i actually laughed 😩
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
That earthquake could have been an email.