If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that