You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Seems kinda suspicious
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
you gotta be faster
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”