A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*