I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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can’t believe I got front row seats
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.