Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
scares
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’m confused about plants
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.