A huge thanks to the person that did this
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.