“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
You Might Also Like
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
bears
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*