Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.