*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Risking my life for fun.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..