I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
dogs can find happiness so easily
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.