I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
just gave your address to some spiders
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)