Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries