Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
You Might Also Like
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: