If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable