The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You Might Also Like
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.