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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Every work call, he judges.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion