When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
You Might Also Like
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Not all heroes wear capes.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first