So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Happens to everyone.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
based al yankovic
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.