[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
no such thing as a dumb question
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!