That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.