My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
You Might Also Like
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’