[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
congratulations to them
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
girls literally only want one thing..
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Perfect.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?