Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
whatcha thinkin bout
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
it was a valiant fight
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.