once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
termite twitter scares me
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest