My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
😏😏😏
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!