If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!