Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun