Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Cat.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
He took my last fry, your honor
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.