The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!