[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?