Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.