You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.