Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
😅🤣😂
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.