To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I hope google does well on my son’s test
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.