My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.