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[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Worlds greatest photobomb
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
🔦🌙👣
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.