Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Introverted vegans go meetless
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
🤣dope
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Perfect.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..